Saying Hello Before Good-bye Keeping a Birth Mother’s Journal
[Author’s Note: The term “birth mother” is used throughout this article to refer to a woman who is experiencing a crisis pregnancy and is considering the possibility of placing her child for adoption. Technically, a woman in this circumstance does not actually become a “birth mother” until after her baby is born, in the event that she does indeed choose adoption for her child.]
It is a commonly held belief that if you are planning or even considering adoption for your baby, that it is your “job” to begin the process of detaching now, while you’re pregnant—that it will make it easier to separate when the time comes. This is not true! For most pregnant women—regardless of the circumstances of the pregnancy—their instincts are to embrace their babies… but there are so many messages dissuading them. You need to be supported and guided in following your instinct to connect with your baby. The unknown future of your relationship together need not—and should not!—keep you from connecting with your baby now.
Despite your difficult circumstances, the most important thing for your baby is to feel your loving recognition—to feel claimed by you—and for you to know that you are everything to your baby, if only for this precious time in your womb. If and when you must later separate, your earlier connection will have laid a stronger foundation for your baby’s optimal brain development, his fundamental self-esteem, and will make healing more possible for each of you.
And you will always know you gave your baby a blessed beginning.
♥
Mary Knight is the author of Love Letters Before Birth and Beyond, a book with beautiful, practical insight and suggestions for connecting with your baby—beginning long before birth. I asked her to write something specifically for the pregnant woman contemplating adoption… and here are her thoughts!
My book, had only been released a few short months when I received communication from two adoption counselors saying that they would like to recommend my book to birth mothers as a way to encourage them to keep a mother’s journal. Of course, I was honored that my book might serve in this important way… and yet, I also had a serious concern. In a letter to one of the counselors, I wrote that I assumed a birth mother’s task is to detach emotionally from her baby so that she can let go when the time comes. My book was intended for quite the opposite purpose—for bonding, not detachment.
In her poignant reply Marcy Axness, one of the counselors, simply stated, “You can’t say good-bye until you’ve said hello.”
Of course, I thought, this is so true. Like so many other individuals observing the adoption process, I was wanting to “save” the mother and perhaps even the child from the pain of the impending loss. Not only is this impossible for anyone to do, but in this well-meaning attempt, we are denying an inevitable and important process. Yes, I thought, a mother must say “hello” to her child—regardless of the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy, and the unknown future of their relationship after the birth. The echoes of that “hello” will resound throughout that child’s life—no matter how painful the “good-bye.”
How A Mother’s Emotions Affect Her Child
Cellular biologist Bruce Lipton, Ph.D., in an article in Touch the Future (Spring, 1997) sites recent studies that indicate that a pregnant mother’s emotions and perceptions about her environment directly affect the fetus on a cellular level. For instance, if a mother is constantly filled with anxiety, the “message” communicated to her baby is that they are in an unsafe environment (regardless of whether or not this is objectively true). The baby’s cells will actually mutate (adapt) to prepare it for the unsafe environment into which it perceives that it will be born.
The ramifications of these studies are awesome. Everything a pregnant mother experiences, she “communicates” to her unborn child. Regardless of life circumstances, if a mother’s primary concern is for the well-being of her unborn child, then it is vitally important that she do everything she can to maintain emotional equilibrium.
Of course, this isn’t always easy! Especially when one considers the stressful circumstances that accompany a crisis pregnancy. That’s where keeping a mother’s journal comes in.
Journaling can help an expectant mother express and release her emotions, thus giving her a tool to relieve stress. In my own pregnancy experience, journaling helped me to move through fear and doubts to get to the other side…which is the place of love and hope. I’m quite certain that journaling helped me to maintain an emotional equilibrium that was directly communicated to my baby. When my son, Zach, was asked by a newspaper interviewer doing a story on the book if anything in the love letters surprised him, he replied, “No, nothing in them really surprised me. My parents loved and welcomed me. I’ve always known that.”
How many adoptees who search for birth parents are really searching for this knowledge? That they were loved? That their mothers welcomed their being, despite the fact that they were not able to parent them?
So, in addition to helping the mother express her emotions, journaling serves as a communication tool, a way to communicate with the baby all of the love, hopes and dreams an expectant mother has for her child. Does the fetus actually “pick up” on this communication? The biological studies seem to suggest that it might. It doesn’t happen on a verbal, cognitive level, but rather, on a deeper, cellular level. As the mother writes the words, she is communicating the essence of the feeling behind the words to her baby. And I, for one, believe that the baby “hears” those feelings with its very soul.
What To “Say” To Your Growing Baby
“Hello, You. So nice to feel your flutter, like the tips of a butterfly’s wings. Do I make a cozy cocoon for your new life, taking shape? Are you a new life, or, like the caterpillar, are you an old life waiting for a change?”
This is an excerpt from Love Letter Nine in my book where I write to the baby about feeling his movement for the first time. By keeping a mother’s journal, a mother is not only communicating her love in the present, but in the future as well. A journal kept by a birth mother becomes a priceless legacy for her child, a record of an experience that documents the struggle and the love. As such, it can also be a profound document for adoptive parents—a compassionate connection to their child’s birth mother as well as insight into their child’s earliest “home environment”. The adoptive parents may choose not to give the journal to their child until he or she reaches a level of maturity when the contents can be truly understood. However, once read, I can only assume that it would inspire a profound, reassuring sense of having mattered in his or her birth mother’s life, as well as compassion for both of them in their shared experience.
An expectant mother does not need my book to keep a journal, although I have designed it to be open, welcoming and accessible to even the most reluctant writer. One only needs paper and pen and the choice to create the time for it—perhaps the hardest task of all.
A good way to begin is simply to write a letter to your unborn child—as I did in my journal. Begin with “Dear Baby,” or whatever feels right, just as you would begin an entry with “Dear Diary,” and then let the words flow, recording anything and everything that comes to mind and heart. Write about the hard stuff, especially the hard stuff. That’s what needs to come out, to be expressed, to release the stress caused by keeping it “stuffed!”
A “Buffer” for Your Baby, and a Lifelong Gift
“But you said that my baby will feel what I’m expressing!” you exclaim in frustration. Your baby feels it anyhow, whether you express it or not! In fact, unexpressed stresses are more likely to be assimilated by the baby. Journaling helps to bring those difficult emotions outside of you and away from the developing child, moving both of you past the fears, the doubts, the angers, the darkness….into a lighter way of being. It’s easy to get stuck in those dark, fearful places. Writing about it helps to get you unstuck, back into the flow of life. Once your feelings are on paper, you have a chance to look at them, think about them, and then make a conscious choice about “where you go from here.”
Hopefully, keeping a mother’s journal will help a prospective birth mother make an even more considered and heart-felt choice concerning adoption. In open adoption cases, the journal can become an open record of the pregnancy experience that the birth mother can hand over to her child when she and her child’s adoptive parents feel the time is right, thus sharing their common story—a story which will likely include all of the adults concerned with the child’s well-being.
What valuable information that would otherwise be lost! Not to mention a priceless key—a key that may unlock compassion, understanding, and comfort in some future time. A key that may open the door to healing. A key to the heart.
More about keeping a Birth Mother’s journal »
Love Letters Before Birth and Beyond, by Mary Knight, is published by Single Eye Publishing. The book includes personal essays or “letters” written during pregnancy and the first weeks of young motherhood. Each Love Letter is accompanied by a page of Journal Starters to inspire the pregnant mom to keep her own record of this sacred human journey. The book is 184 pages, including journaling pages, with an introduction on How to Keep a Mother’s Journal, and may be ordered for $14.95, directly from the publisher by calling 1-888-929-9150.
Mary Knight has been a professional writer and workshop facilitator for over thirty years. She is currently working on a memoir entitled Searching for the Beloved with Muggins the Cat. In her workshops and through her writing, Mary has empowered people of all ages to discover their creative spirit, express their innate wisdom, and believe in the beauty of who they are.